Technically, it’s been almost 7 months. 6-7 months doesn’t really sound like a long time, but it feels like a lifetime to me looking back, and looking forward. I feel like this is a really delicate, albeit happy, time in my life. Which is why I’m writing this blog, I want to remember how this feels. Before Seth proposed, I knew that separating from the military and moving out here was going to be the best thing for me, and for us. However, over the last few months I’ve cried more than I expected. Fear of the unknown causes a lot of nasty things (which is why the Lord tells us to give it all to him!).
I’ve been questioning myself a lot, which I guess in some ways is healthy. Did I pick the right major at UNCW, should I really be pursuing a photography business at all, am I really ready to be a mom? Trying to plan long term goals is tough. I feel like I can’t make any decisions right now without thinking 40 steps ahead into the future. Attempting to buy a house this month was proof of that. And if we’re being honest I’m really terrified of making mistakes. But after a lot of tears I’ve been doing some soul searching. I’ve stopped trying to control every little detail, and let God have the reigns. I usually fight Him over driving, but things are feeling easier this semester.
I’ve been reading a lot of Justin and Mary Marantz’s blog. No literally, like I went all the way back to the beginning. It’s rocked me this month. So much so that I wrote Mary an email. There are quite a few photographers that are high up there in the industry I get weak in the knees over. These guys are at the tippy top. So when I wrote Mary to thank her for just being her – real, honest, sweet, faithful, an awesome photographer willing to share with others in our industry, I nearly cried when she wrote me back. It was only a few lines but I’m printing it and keeping it as a reminder. That is the person I always want to be.
Even if WHEN I become a mega superstar photographer, I don’t ever want to forget what it feels like right now. Scared, uncertain, always questioning, always testing. I want to change that fear into motivation, the uncertainty into drive, the questioning into curiosity and testing into faith. I have to remember that even though the market is flooded with photographers I *do* have something special. I want to dream big, go big or go home! Right? So, yeah. There ;)
PS, I’ll tell you the story of “the why” sometime, but here’s a tiny little video after my first ukulele lesson. Don’t mind the crazy hair I have going on there.